One of the major sources of tension in relationships can be a breakdown in communication. Studies suggest that PMS and PMDD make communication between partners harder – and the worse the symptoms are, the bigger the impact on communication. This is probably due to a number of factors, including us feeling down and social withdrawn, but also because PMS and PMDD are still considered ‘taboo’ subjects by society, making us less likely to feel comfortable talking about them. This doesn’t mean effective communication is impossible, but it might take some extra effort (from both parties).  

As the person in the relationship who doesn’t experience PMS/PMDD, it’s important to frame any concerns you have in a caring way. Gently pointing out that your partner doesn’t seem like themself is much more constructive than telling them they’re acting weird or irrational. Similarly, if your partner is experiencing symptoms such as a change in libido, treat them with understanding and kindness as you work together to find out how to tackle it. Respect is always a good place to start.

Learning more about PMS and PMDD is one of the most important ways that you can help someone with either condition. There’s evidence that having a supportive partner who understands PMS/PMDD leads to a more satisfying relationship and can even make our PMS/PMDD symptoms less severe.  

‍One study showed that individuals in same-sex relationships managed symptoms more effectively than individuals in opposite-sex couples in comparable situations. The people who took part in the study pointed to open communication and awareness as important strategies for supporting each other.

A good understanding of PMS and PMDD means that you can make and work on strategies to manage issues together. This might mean talking through how to best support each other during difficult times, or finding time and space for both people to work on personal self-care. By making a plan, it’s easier to hold ourselves accountable and ensure we’re taking real-time steps toward making a positive change.

You can also offer practical support to your partner with PMDD. That might mean advocating for them at medical appointments, picking up a few extra tasks for them, or offering support with childcare for part of the month.

It can also be extremely helpful to understand/get in sync with your partner’s cycle. Knowing which phase they’re in means you’re more likely to understand how they will be feeling at a particular time each month. This helps us adjust plans, expectations, and approaches to best suit each other’s feelings and behaviours. Knowing someone is in the luteal phase will allow partners to be more sensitive and understanding around this time.

Every person and every relationship is different, so it’s helpful to talk honestly about what works best

If PMS or PMDD is affecting your relationship, talk to your partner to see how you can best support their treatment choices. The GP might recommend lifestyle changes, like getting more sleep, eating a more balanced diet, or incorporating more movement into the day. If this is the case, see what changes you can make together. Things like adapting your joint routine (setting a no-phone time after 9:30 pm and being in bed by 10 pm), going out on a walk or jog together, or cooking new, well-balanced recipes for one another can help your partner feel like they’re not doing this alone. If medical treatments are offered, get involved by researching the best option with them, finding reviews and taking an interest. Knowing your partner is taking an active interest, even by listening, can be immensely helpful. Alternatively, if complementary or alternative therapies such as aromatherapy, breathwork, or yoga are recommended, give them a try together. These can be fun bonding activities, and you never know, you might just enjoy them too!

One of the most challenging ways that PMS/PMDD can affect relationships is through changes in sex drive. Regardless of PMS/PMDD, it’s important to support your partner in helping them find what ‘normal’ looks and feels like for them when it comes to sex and libido. This applies even more so during PMS/PMDD, and adapting your routine and expectations of each other accordingly. If one of you is experiencing pain or discomfort as one of your symptoms, try pain relief options before or during sex. A massage or a long, hot bath can help relieve physical and psychological tension, and if your partner is experiencing PMS/PMDD-related vaginal dryness, try lubrication.

You could also try different sex positions, those that might help reduce the impact on your partner’s cervix (which sits lower during the luteal phase). Encourage your partner to communicate and note down what feels good and when, so you can both learn what works best at different points in your or your partner’s cycle.